Making Sense of Late-Night Musings (and Something About A Crush)

I get a lot of my blog post ideas late at night, but they don’t often make too much sense. For example, I met a girl this week who opened with the line, “I’m really good at making out” and my mind was blown. Maybe I’m just a bit old fashioned, or maybe just somewhat reserved, but I don’t ever recall a situation where stating that fact gets you lots of high quality friends. So I came home and started the beginning of a micro-story attempting to understand the psyche behind her…at 3 in the morning. Needless to say, I fell asleep before finishing and woke up completely lost as to where to go next.

That same night, I was somehow mixed in this feud of friends. This has been going on for quite some time and it almost physically hurts to see people on both sides of the issue that I care for deeply that just keep hurting each other. In my private journals, I’ve been exploring friendships and what that idea actually means. That still hasn’t gone much of anywhere yet either.

Rewind a couple more weeks, and I’d started a piece all about my dad and all these crazy stories I’ve just learned about him involving the 1950s, a tiny town out in West Texas, and a bunch of synchronized cherry bombs. This guy, the one who’s always been such a stickler for the rules and kept a stoic face for the majority of my life, was a hilarious teenager.

Most recently, I woke up a couple mornings ago with a message on my phone (from myself, of course) that read, “THE END OF A CRUSH. WRITE IT. BLOG IT. DON’T FORGET IT.” I obviously felt that this topic was incredibly important in the moment, but all week, I’ve been struggling to expand on the idea.

It’s true that for the past several months, I’ve been dealing with a bit of a crush on this guy that I know. It’s been a strange experience, a feeling I haven’t had often. While I’ve had feelings for various people and felt emotional connections throughout the years, this was the first crush I’d had in seven years.

I’ve never enjoyed the word “crush” because it’s far too accurate for describing the emotional state involved. It’s the overwhelming sense of excitement when he says he wants to spend time together followed by the even stronger feeling of being let down when he just doesn’t show up. It’s literally a crushing feeling, and it’s not enjoyable in any way.

The odd thing is that one day I woke up and could almost physically feel the relief crash over me when I realized that nothing was to come out of this crush. I had known this in my mind, but the self that is in control of emotions kept whispering “maybe the next time, maybe he’ll change, maybe the timing is just bad.” Despite my mind, my emotions kept my heart hopeful, but at some point my mind had become fed up and shut off the ability to feel anything but a friendship for him.

I’ve been so emotionally fragile in other parts of my life lately that I find the switch in feelings quite beautiful. The way the mind can protect from harmful things is fascinating to me, no matter how well-intentioned they may be. It was just as if my mind snapped back into control, slapped me in the fact with a curt “get over it”, and the rest of my being followed suit.

As with the rest of my writing lately, my thoughts on the subject just end there. They end abruptly. Even my journal entries have paragraphs and paragraphs of musing, then just trail off without a conclusion of my thoughts. Perhaps I really enjoy cliffhangers. Perhaps I like the experience of someone’s mind ingesting the ideas I write about and then taking off on their own with a different thought process. Or maybe I’m just lazy and never finish the things that I start. That’s the most likely explanation.

Old Main at the University of Arkansas, Fayetteville, Arkansas - May 2015
Old Main at the University of Arkansas, Fayetteville, Arkansas – May 2015

listening to: Letts

A Rising Light

I wrote a few weeks ago about the emerging underground culture in the city I’m in at the moment. I continuously get more and more excited about being thrown into the middle of what’s going on, and I’m not sure if I’m going to want to leave it anytime soon.

See, I’ve always wanted to live in a place where creativity is abundant and has a strong support from the community. When I lived in Arkansas, I was surrounded by people who were involved in music and intertwined with small local businesses. It was enthralling. I saw all of these people fired up and supporting each other in creative ventures. It was a new kind of support system to me.

One of the main reasons I dreaded moving back to East Texas was it was almost the complete opposite to the atmosphere of where I lived in Arkansas. There is a ton of money in this area of the country, but people are geared much more toward big business and appearing as “polished” and put together as possible. There wasn’t much transparency in the people that I knew or the places I spent my time. To be quite frank, it’s exhausting to live life like that, and I feared that moving back to this town would slowly kill the openness and creative drive I had been discovering in myself.

Coming back to this area, I only had a few friends. There are three guys in particular who I’ve known since my early teen years who have always been like family to me. Most of my extra time when I’m in town is always spent with them. They haven’t spent much time outside of East Texas, so they’ve built up a large network of friends and acquaintances. Having a lot of free time spent with them in the past few months means that they’ve introduced me into this network, and for that, I owe them so much.

The people that I’ve met since the end of October are the types of people I’ve always wanted to be involved with growing the culture of Tyler. They are passionate, incredibly talented, and most importantly, transparent with their lives. They are genuinely interested in helping others and being there for their friends. The support I’ve seen them give each other in the short amount of time I’ve been here is so surprising because it’s a selfless kind of support. They want to see each other succeed more than anything, and the joy that crosses their faces when there is a success in the community is brilliant.

Most of all, the atmosphere surrounding all of the people I’ve gotten to know is a living and thriving one. It’s exciting and raw and real and fascinating. This isn’t the dead Tyler I left in 2007. It now has electricity pulsing through the heart of it, and this light of this new community will continue to burn brighter and brighter.

Frankfurt, Germany - September 2014
Frankfurt, Germany – September 2014

listening to: The Kooks