life – Page 6 – Knocked Out No Longer

Transition Time

November 6, 2014May 15, 2017by KimLeave a Comment

It’s already been three weeks since I left Germany, and I can’t believe the weeks have gone by so quickly. I’ve been so busy that all of this writing has kinda taken a back seat, but I’m trying to figure out a way to schedule my time better to get all of my thoughts out.

I think that the time period of adjusting back to a way of living you were once accustomed to, but had changed, is a very interesting one. I’ve picked habits and behaviors back up without really being aware of why I’m doing them. The way I eat, sleeping routines, and my attitude all had slight shifts while I was in Germany, and part of me is almost worried that those changes I made will disappear completely if I don’t make a very conscious effort to keep them around.

A little rundown of what all has happened in the past three weeks is probably a good way to continue this post. I find that when I stop writing for a while, the first thing I hit “publish” on can be a little robotic and awkward in the sense that I’m trying to rediscover my voice.

I flew back into the states on October 15. I only spent a little over 12 hours outside of the airport because the next morning, I flew from Texas to New York to see Damien Rice on the end of his American tour for his new album. I’ve never flown anywhere for a concert before, so that by itself was an exciting experience, but the fact that I got to go with one of my closest friends from high school and stay with another friend while we were up there put the trip at an entirely different level. We only spent two nights in the city and flew back to Texas on Saturday morning, but it was a trip I’m not likely to forget anytime soon. Shameless plug: if you want to see some of the photos I took while up there, make sure to be following my Instagram. We did the entire trip very cheaply, because cheap trips are quickly becoming my speciality, so I’ll be trying to break down everything like I did for my Paris trip.

I had one day at home with my parents before my mom and I drove eight hours west on I-20 through Texas to visit her side of the family. It had been almost a year since I had seen all of them, and my grandmother hasn’t been in the best state of health this year, so it was really important to visit while I had some free time. There were multiple choir concerts attended, hugs for days, and even an incident involving my mom and aunt embarrassing me by having me sing an impromptu song at the nursing home for my grandmother. It was a fun trip, and I think what I needed to help with the adjustment process of living in Texas again.

Coming back to Texas meant one major thing: finding a job was the necessary next step. Lucky for me, I have plenty of friends still in the area and two days after spending time with some of those friends, I got hired to be a server at one of the local hibachi restaurants in town. I’ve never worked as a server or really in any sort of food service job, unless you count my first summer job at a snow cone stand, so it’s been an interesting transition into this kind of work. The hours are the complete opposite of what I’ve spent the last 10 months working, but the late nights suit me much better than early mornings. I keep telling myself that there are all sorts of lessons and experiences to be learned from a serving job, so it’ll be interesting to reflect on those once I’ve had a little more exposure in this field.

Cotton fields and wind turbines- West Texas

Reflections

Bucket Listing (A Rambleblog)

October 10, 2014May 15, 2017by KimLeave a Comment

I’ve wanted to sit down and write all day, but I feel like my mind has just been all over the place. Most likely, it has something to do with the fact that the family I work for left on holiday earlier today, I’m moving back to the states next Wednesday, and will be in NYC the day after that. There will be some long Texas road trips following all of those travels, and I think there are just so many plans going on that my brain has gone into overdrive. In an effort to get all of my thoughts back into some sort of working order, I’m just going to type and see what happens, so this could be one of those rambling posts that might go on for a while or just end within the next 100 words or so.

I’ve been thinking about bucket lists a lot lately. I wrote a list up when I was 15 or 16, and while it included some things like “get my ears pierced a second time” and “be kissed”, it also had bigger things on it such as “move back to Alaska” and “visit other countries”. This list was in a journal that I called The Book, and I still have it in a keepsake box with some other sentimentally important items. As I did things on the list, I checked them off and wrote the date next to the item. Recently, I’ve been wanting to write up a new list, a more comprehensive list, that lists some very specific items that better encompasses the person I’ve become and the person I’m still becoming.

I’ve always enjoyed writing, but it wasn’t until the past couple of years that I really started to enjoy it and find my voice. I’ve already talked about the biggest project I hope to tackle in my life, but I’d also like to write some long piece of fiction and, if possible, a song as well. I want to learn another instrument, which I’ll hopefully get to start working on while in Texas. I want to live in another country for at least a full year, becoming completely immersed in the culture, and leave everything behind for long-term world traveling at least once.

Part of me wants to do these things because I want to prove to myself (and if I’m completely honest, other people as well) that I can come back from that darkness I was submerged in as a new, more interesting, and independent person. In my mind, I know I’ve already surpassed any expectations by leaps and bounds, but I don’t want to become comfortable where I am. I want to be constantly pushing the boundaries to see what all I can truly handle. At the end of my life, I want to have stories upon stories involving adventure, love, and victory.

I’ve been on another quote kick on pinterest, so I think this is where all of my “where do I want my life to go” rambling is coming from. I could write posts for weeks based on single quotes I read, but one that has been sticking out to me is “your life unfolds in proportion to your courage,” and I think it’s beautiful because the message is so simple. If you want exciting things to happen in your life, you have to be brave enough to welcome change and the uncomfortable moments. If you are constantly comfortable, you’re going to stay where you are and never grow into the person you could be. Be courages. Grow

listening to: alt-J

Social Issues

The Follow Up To the Problem

October 7, 2014May 15, 2017by Kim2 Comments

I wrote a post on my old blog about a major problem that I’ve experienced and seen in the “Christian” culture today back in April of 2013. Interestingly enough, this, out of everything else I wrote on that blog, was the one thing that I’ve had people make a point to tell me that they appreciated reading. Even more interesting is that the people who spoke to me were all people I knew from growing up in the church.

There’s a very common pattern of people growing up in the church and deciding to leave it as soon as they leave home. It’s been written about all over the internet by people far more educated than myself with tips and tricks to bring the “lost generation” back to the church. I’ve read more than my fair share of these articles, mostly rolling my eyes through most of them.

The reason my opinion of the church changed so drastically was because I saw the way people were treated when people saw them as “lost sheep”. There’s one attitude when a group of people are out on a mission trip to try and reach as many people as they can, but then there’s the everyday attitude: stay in your comfortable bubble with your friends and your nice things, and don’t make an effort to help or reach out to people you know are hurting.

This is not what Jesus was about. This is not what the early church was about. Somewhere along the way, the message got twisted. I’m going to quote Donald Miller just like I did in my last post about this topic, simply because he writes the words I wish I had been brilliant enough to write: “I loved the fact that it wasn’t my responsibility to change somebody, that it was God’s, that my part was just to communicate love and approval” (Blue Like Jazz). This is what the church should be doing. The church should be showing love to everyone, no matter if they agree with the actions and behaviors surrounding a person.

Many of the friends I have that have stopped going to church or associating themselves with the modern American church have done so because of the lack of pure love that many prominent figures that claim “Christianity” have show to mass amounts of people. Sure, they love the people that fit into their idea of a proper Christian, but are they loving the people that don’t? Are they loving the people that have different views on relationships, lifestyles, or even politics? Are they friendly toward the ones they call sinners? No, and that’s the main problem I have. Jesus was friends with all sorts of people. He loved all people. It didn’t matter their race, background, decisions. That should be the example for Christians today.

If you’re one of those people that despairs over the amount of millennials who have left the church, take a look at how you portray your beliefs on a regular basis. I think the Bible says it best: “The command we have from Christ is blunt: Loving God includes loving people. You’ve got to love both.” (1 John 4:21)

Berliner Dom, Berlin, Germany - May 2014 — Berliner Dom, Berlin, Germany – May 2014

listening to: Amos Lee

Uncategorized

The Struggle And The Growth

September 29, 2014by KimLeave a Comment

I spent yesterday wandering around what has easily become one of my favorite cities. I’ve got two weeks and two days left to say that I’m a resident of the Frankfurt area, so I’m trying to soak up every moment possible. I walked down Kaiserstraße, through the Zeil area, next to the Dom Römer, across the river on the Eiserner Steg (the bridge covered in locks), and along the banks of the Main River. In my opinion, the best part of the city is that it is situated around a body of water, and there’s nothing like being able to sit along the bank of that river and enjoy a sunny day. I also enjoy the face that Frankfurt still isn’t very touristy, but it’s a big international city, so you don’t often have to deal with massive groups of people.

I read an article months ago about the ex-pat life, and how it’s hard to really feel like you completely fit in back home after living in another country. I haven’t even moved back yet, but I’m already starting to feel that way. While the German culture isn’t as different from the American culture as some others might be, there are still many differences. I’ve gotten fond of the language barriers because I feel a strong sense of pride when I understand and can answer questions. My diet has completely changed, and the idea of throwing all of my trash in one big bin seems almost foreign now. Because of the heavy British influences in my friendships, some of the words I use in everyday language is different, and some people have even pointed out that my accent has changed somehow. Even now while I sit writing this, I think I’ll miss the German way of living far more than I would ever miss the American one.

Of course, whenever you go through a big move, you simultaneously go through a big change. If you chose to move back to your original location, it will never the same. You may look the same and you may continue to enjoy the same friendships, but you as a person will have grown and changed. With an international move, that change will inevitably include an expanded worldview.

I’m not looking forward to moving back to Texas (even though I know it’s just a temporary move) for that very reason. I’m excited to see friends and family, but I know I’m not the same person that I was when I moved away. In some ways, I feel like they might be meeting an entirely different person. At the risk of sounding conceited or overly proud or whatever you might call it, I feel like I’ve gained a sort of quiet confidence. I’ve become even more independent than before, and I know that the limits I used to believe were holding me back are now mostly nonexistent. I will have only been gone for nine months, but when you move away like I did, you’re forced to hit the fast forward button on changing and maturing.

F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote, “I’m not sure what I’ll do, but — well, I want to go places and see people. I want my mind to grow. I want to live where things happen on a big scale.” This sentiment is one of the biggest reasons I want to travel and live in different places and immerse myself in different cultures- I want to grow. I don’t want to be stuck in some small town and keep a small worldview. It’s been so long since I’ve lived in Alaska that I’m not expecting anything to be as it was when I was a child. I’m excited to be back because I know there will be struggles and lessons to go through. Of course, the gorgeous scenery and a wonderful man are big things to look forward to, but most importantly, it’s a chance for me to grow even more. It’s time for that next chapter.

Frankfurt, Germany- September 2014

listening to: Jason Mraz

Uncategorized

Lessons

August 27, 2014September 25, 2014by Kim3 Comments

side note: this was written on 8/8, but I was in Alaska without internet for my birthday, and have been incredibly busy back in Frankfurt since.

The day is finally here..the day I turn twenty-five. This birthday has always seemed more of an obstacle to me than thirty for some reason. Perhaps it’s the fact that twenty-five makes me officially a quarter of a century old? That’s at least the only explanation I can think of.

At times, I don’t feel old enough to be this age. I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished the things that I thought I would be now. But then I really stop to think about all that I have done and I realize that maybe I’m doing pretty well after all. Maybe not all of the moments in my life have been pleasant ones, but I’ve learned from every single one of them and I truly believe they’ve helped me to become a better person. Yes, some of the lessons are textbook thoughts that you tend to read in every self-help or coming-of-age article known to man, but they don’t seem like that big of a deal until you really live them.

The painful moments show your strength more than the pleasant ones
- This past year was a particularly difficult one for me. Years 22 and 23 were hard with moving, family members with cancer, and a miscarriage, but then 24 came and hit me like a ton of bricks after the end of a marriage. I remember thinking so many times through those years that this was just my life now- a collection of sob stories and hurt. However, now that I’ve made it through that period, I know just how strong I can be when I need to be.
Asking for help is perfectly acceptable
- For the longest time, I felt like in order to be strong, I had to take care of everything myself. Nobody that knew me really knew how much I was falling apart inside because I refused to let it show. I finally realized that I simple was unable to help myself and be emotionally healthy, so I started seeing a therapist, and it was the best thing I could have possibly done for myself.
Your comfort zone is meant to be broken down
- Moving to a different country is obviously the biggest comfort zone I’ve stepped out of, but there are little ones that go along with that: learning a new language, trying to make new friends, eating new foods. Sadly enough, I think the food issue was the biggest one for me. Any of my friends and family back home can tell you that I’m an extremely picky eater. Guess what? Not anymore!
Not everything is meant to be
- Sometimes, the things you hope and dream for don’t come true. You see certain things lining up and you think it’s going to blossom into a beautiful story, but more often than not, it’s a passing coincidence. I’ve had to tell myself time and time again to not get hung up on what “could be”.
However, once in a great while, fate can take over
- I realize this is contradictory to the last point, but there can come a time when everything just falls into place and you have no idea how or where, but appreciating the magic of that moment is all you can do. I think almost everyone gets to experience this to some degree in their lives, no matter how big or small, so if and when it does happen, embrace it.
Treasure the time you have
- I think I’ve always intellectually known that being thankful for the time you spend with loved ones is very important, but in the day-to-day, I tend to forget it. In the past few years, both of my grandmothers’ health has dramatically gone downhill, and I find myself wishing I had been able to spend more time with them to learn from them and to just hear stories about my family. When I’m in the states, I spend as much time with them as I can, but it’s impossible to get any of that lost time back.
Spur of the moment decisions can sometimes lead to the greatest adventures
- When I took the au pair job in Germany, I had a week to get my plane ticket and pack everything. I’m fairly certain that everyone I knew thought I had lost my mind because it was such a quick decision. I believe that sometimes following your gut is the best decision. When you’re young and have nothing to hold you back in your life, seeing what else is out there is a wonderful option
Creating good habits can be a mind-saver
- When I moved to Germany, I started journaling. I can’t count the amount of times I had previously started to keep a journal, but this time I kept at it. It supposedly takes around a month to make or break a habit, so I just wrote every day until I had what can only be described as a compulsion to write. At times, it’s the only way I’ve been able to stay sane and in control of everything going on around me.
Some things should be experienced by yourself
- People will always come and go. Even family won’t always be there, no matter how close you are. There will be some times in your life that you have to learn to be alone. There’s a sense of accomplishment that comes when you successfully complete a task on your own. I thankfully learned this lesson young, but I know that if I hadn’t, I would be much more dependent on people around me. Independence is a good thing.
Take time to reflect and improve
- You can always be better in some aspect of your life. There is always always room for improvement. I think the times that I’ve grown the most is when I’ve just stopped to take a step back from my life and looked for the areas that are need for improvement the greatest.
You cannot compare your life to anyone else’s life and expect to be content
- For as long as I can remember, I’ve compared myself to the people around me. Other people always had better bodies, prettier clothes, nicer houses, etc. Instead of learning to appreciate all of the good things I had to offer, I was constantly trying to keep up or surpass what other people had. Trust me, it makes for a very unhappy life.
Learn to stand up for yourself
- There are bound to be people out there who will try to take advantage of you. It may be in a relationship and it may even be in a job. Knowing what your responsibilities are and what should be expected of you versus what actually is being expected of you is key. There can be a very fine line between trying to help someone and being taken advantage of. I’ve always been one to try and make people happy, even if it means not getting what I want or believe I deserve, but there are a few times where I’ve had to put my foot down and I’m glad I was able to stand up for myself when it was necessary.
Not all friendships will last for all eternity
- I had a friend in elementary school that I could have sworn I would have been best friends with for the rest of my life. Our friendship lasted through several different moves, but for some reason, the communication slowly faded to nothing. I tried and tried to reach out to her, but it was a one-sided attempt. I finally just had to tell myself that maybe she was just finished with the friendship and had moved on with her life. If I’m honest, it still makes me sad, but I also know there’s nothing else I can do to get that friendship back
You don’t have to justify your decisions or actions to everyone
- Sometimes, you are the only person who needs to know the reasoning behind the decision you make. Everyone and their mother is going to have an opinion on that piercing you got when you were 18, the dozens of different hair styles you’ve had, or the huge move you’re planning. Some of the big, life-changing decisions may warrant an outside opinion, but make sure it’s one that you trust. Just make sure you’re doing them for the right reason.

Tag: life

Transition Time

Bucket Listing (A Rambleblog)

The Struggle And The Growth

Lessons

Social Media