Most of the time, you don’t get many answers to the “what if” question in life. You’re presented with choices, you go down one path, and life continues. Second chances don’t happen that often.
Toward the beginning of the year, I started catching up with an old friend from childhood. This old friend also happened to be my first serious crush, so the reminiscing, while embarrassing, was also very enjoying. Both of us were still very much in the middle of working through some serious issues, and I think just having someone to talk to who you had known for years was a big help.
A new relationship was never part of the plan. I wasn’t ready to start trusting someone again after the mess I had finally gotten out of the past few years. Yes, I was very aware of how attractive of a man he had grown up to be, but developing feelings? I was not prepared for that.
I think before romantic feelings really got involved at all, our friendship grew. Since we had known each other since childhood, I found myself sharing things about my life and what I had been through that I normally wouldn’t share with someone. We skyped every day. We talked about our childhoods, family stories, theoretical issues, etc. We didn’t have to talk about topics that both of us were knowledgable about either, which was nice. I could share ideas and thoughts about things I was interested in, and even if it did bore him dreadfully, he still appreciated my interest in whatever I was talking about.
The romantic part kind of snuck up on me. I could go into further details, but it’s entirely too mushy and emotional for me to talk about without experiencing the “why have I turned into such a lovey dovey girl all of a sudden?” feeling. Any of my close friends will tell you that I’m not much of the romantic type. Chick flicks, romantic novels, and cheesy love songs all give me the heebie jeebies. I realize that those things aren’t necessarily all true definitions or examples of romance, but you catch my drift- I’m not one of those girls. I’m the girl who is friends with a bunch of guys and who would rather sit around talking about beer and playing video games. I’ve even been described as a “dude in a chick’s body” (thanks for that, Caleb). I say all of that to say that this is an entirely new world for me, but I don’t really mind it one bit.
I feel like having to learn to use words to express the entirety of my feelings has really helped keep everything in perspective and helped me reevaluate my thoughts to make sure I’m following down the correct path. Anything long distance has previously seemed too difficult and not worth the effort, but in this case, it’s been the greatest way to build a strong base of trust and communication. It’s been hard, especially since there’s a major lack of skype time since my internet has stopped being so reliable, but the times we do get to talk are even more rewarding and special now.
I’d be lying if I said that visiting Alaska this summer and moving there at the end of the year has nothing to do with him. However, he’s not the only reason I’m making these decisions. I truly believe that moving up there will open up doors for me and is the correct next step for me. However, there’s no denying that being in the same city as him is one of the things I’m most looking forward to in the next year.
listening to: The Civil Wars
Knocked Out No Longer 