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2020. Can we really be here already?

I’ve been reflecting back on the past decade and have been overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that’s happened. Quick take: got married, moved back to Arkansas, bought a house, got divorced, moved to Germany, learned what love looked like, moved in with my parents in Texas, spent a year in a tailspin, moved back to Arkansas (3rd time) to live by myself for the first time, met my husband, moved to South Carolina, got married, got diagnosed with bipolar, had a baby, moved to Virginia, did some solo parenting during my husband’s deployment, and turned 30.

See? Stuff

If I had known ten years ago what my life would look like now, I would have equally laughed and sobbed. There have been so many moments that I didn’t think I would survive, but I’ve somehow clawed myself back into some sort of living. It’s been messy and unpleasant more times than not. It’s also been transformative.

2014 was my growth and healing year. It was the year that I moved to Germany and left all of my trauma and frustrations back in the states. Of course, trauma never really leaves (and I’m currently needing to do some serious recovering), but it was a fresh break that I desperately needed.

The end of 2016 through 2017 held the moments that I never thought would happen. After the disaster of my first marriage and the serious heartbreak I experienced a year later, I never believed that I’d find someone that would be a healthy partner. Even more than that, I couldn’t imagine having a child of my own.

This won’t be a political post, but I’m frightened of the decade to come. I want a safe and healthy planet for my daughter to thrive, but I can’t see that happening. The past several months have been spent in a massive depression, so maybe that has something to do with my sense of hopelessness, but I fear that every day of this new year has created more and more danger for my child.

2020, please be kind. You aren’t off to a great start, but I hope that we’re able to find moments of joy and encouragement that can keep us going and help us fight for better days.

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