Finding Balance

Life is strange. It’s beautiful in the strangeness, but it’s got an edge of danger. There’s this quote I read not too long ago about being on the edge of life instead of in the middle of it, because watching the chaos is better than being the center of that chaos. I like the visual that creates. It’s like this wild dance- if you’re in the center, you’ll be completely consumed, but if you’re too close to the edge, you fly out into nothingness. There’s a fine balance that exists, and I often find that balance difficult to achieve.

I got asked the other day if I believed in myself. Not just on a surface level, but at the true root of my being. The entire conversation was very emotionally charged to begin with, and despite responding with a “yes”, I don’t think I was very convincing. It’s funny, really. I’ve realized that I unintentionally come off as pretty confident to people I don’t know very well, but I think it’s a shell personality. It’s a way to protect the insecurity that I’ve always dealt with but haven’t been comfortable enough to let others see until recently.

I think it’s really difficult to transition from a personal outlook of insecurity to one of actually believing in yourself. It’s not as if I haven’t had supportive friends and family. I have. But I also had expectations that were astronomically high. Some of my most vivid memories from my past are ones where I just knew I let somebody down. My depression took that even further. I transitioned from somebody who had all sorts of potential to somebody who could barely function enough to do daily tasks like change clothes and eat. I suppose part of this disbelief in myself stems from a fear that I’ll be too overwhelmed with the business of this new life I’m leading and the thin pane of success I’m treading on will completely shatter. Of course, I know part of the issue is the living in the past that I’ve written about before, but I do know that I need to occasionally step back and look objectively at my actions and life to make sure I’m not unintentionally headed back down a road leading to depression.

I want to believe in myself. I want that surface confidence that I supposedly have to permeate through those layers and show up in the deeper parts of my life. Intellectually, I know I have some things about me that I can be proud of, but it’s truly believing it that is the hard part. It occurs to me that writing and exposing those insecure and vulnerable moments is a practice in being confident, which I believe is one reason why I do write about those topics so often. Perhaps with enough of that, the confidence will slowly start to become a secure part of my personality instead of just a surface decoration.

Niederrad, Germany- October 2014
Niederrad, Germany- October 2014

listening to Damien Rice

Bucket Listing (A Rambleblog)

I’ve wanted to sit down and write all day, but I feel like my mind has just been all over the place. Most likely, it has something to do with the fact that the family I work for left on holiday earlier today, I’m moving back to the states next Wednesday, and will be in NYC the day after that. There will be some long Texas road trips following all of those travels, and I think there are just so many plans going on that my brain has gone into overdrive. In an effort to get all of my thoughts back into some sort of working order, I’m just going to type and see what happens, so this could be one of those rambling posts that might go on for a while or just end within the next 100 words or so.

I’ve been thinking about bucket lists a lot lately. I wrote a list up when I was 15 or 16, and while it included some things like “get my ears pierced a second time” and “be kissed”, it also had bigger things on it such as “move back to Alaska” and “visit other countries”. This list was in a journal that I called The Book, and I still have it in a keepsake box with some other sentimentally important items. As I did things on the list, I checked them off and wrote the date next to the item. Recently, I’ve been wanting to write up a new list, a more comprehensive list, that lists some very specific items that better encompasses the person I’ve become and the person I’m still becoming.

I’ve always enjoyed writing, but it wasn’t until the past couple of years that I really started to enjoy it and find my voice. I’ve already talked about the biggest project I hope to tackle in my life, but I’d also like to write some long piece of fiction and, if possible, a song as well. I want to learn another instrument, which I’ll hopefully get to start working on while in Texas. I want to live in another country for at least a full year, becoming completely immersed in the culture, and leave everything behind for long-term world traveling at least once.

Part of me wants to do these things because I want to prove to myself (and if I’m completely honest, other people as well) that I can come back from that darkness I was submerged in as a new, more interesting, and independent person. In my mind, I know I’ve already surpassed any expectations by leaps and bounds, but I don’t want to become comfortable where I am. I want to be constantly pushing the boundaries to see what all I can truly handle. At the end of my life, I want to have stories upon stories involving adventure, love, and victory.

I’ve been on another quote kick on pinterest, so I think this is where all of my “where do I want my life to go” rambling is coming from. I could write posts for weeks based on single quotes I read, but one that has been sticking out to me is “your life unfolds in proportion to your courage,” and I think it’s beautiful because the message is so simple. If you want exciting things to happen in your life, you have to be brave enough to welcome change and the uncomfortable moments. If you are constantly comfortable, you’re going to stay where you are and never grow into the person you could be. Be courages. Grow

Frankfurt, Germany- September 2014
Frankfurt, Germany- September 2014

listening to: alt-J

Headed Back to the Homeland (A Rambleblog)

It’s been a very eventful past couple of weeks. I’ve experienced Paris and Lugano (Switzerland), and I’ll be on a plane headed directly toward Alaska in the next seven hours. On top of all the traveling, I turn twenty-five on Friday. I’m still working through my feelings about this big birthday. Right now, I’m sitting at my computer just taking a break from the frantic unpacking and repacking that is going on in my room right now. No joke, my bed and floor are both littered with articles of clothing and bags and everything else a traveler might need. Have I mentioned it’s almost 4 in the morning? Apologies if this rambling is mostly incoherent.

This is the first all-nighter I’ve pulled in quite a long time. I’ve taken a couple of naps throughout the day and evening, but I feel like there’s no better way to prematurely combat the jet lag than to stay awake all night before a flight and then crash on the plane (this works especially well when your flight is a long one and the time difference means you’re actually gaining thirty minutes or so when you land).

This visit will mark my first time back in the states for six months, and my first time back to Alaska in ten years. My parents and I moved from Alaska to Texas twelve years ago, and I got to go back and visit the first two summers, but then the traveling pretty much got placed on the back burner. There is no way to fully explain how much I miss that gorgeous place. Alaska has a way of seeping into the deepest parts of your soul, and if you have the opportunity to spend any time there at all, you will thirst to be back there as soon as you leave. I know that not everyone feels as strongly about the state as I do, but I think there’s probably another reason I have such a tie to the place.

It seems every time I really sit back and reflect on my reasoning behind my thoughts, more often than not it somehow comes back to the adoption facet of my identity. I was born in Alaska, my biological family (on both sides) was located there when I was born, and there’s a high probability that my father’s side is still up there. It always gets back to wanting to know where I come from. That burning desire to know everything there is to possibly know.

It’s been almost exactly a year since the last time I heard from my biological mother. She emailed me last year to wish me a happy birthday, and although I tried to contact her to try and get some information about my father’s family so I could try and get some more questions answered while I was back in my home state, my efforts went unanswered. It might just be the way that I relate to things, or it might be pretty common in the minds of adoptees, but even being back in the same city that my biological family came from gives me a sense of connection, like we could have experienced the same thing if you ignore the time lapse.

To say I’m anxious to be back in Alaska is an understatement. I’m anxious, excited, joyful, anticipatory…I just have the sense that this trip could be a pivotal moment in my life journey. I’ll be there for twelve days. I’ll be turning another year older, reconnecting with friends I haven’t seen in twelve years or more (some of them who I’ve known for almost twenty years), and making sure I soak in every single moment of the wild beauty Alaska has to offer. I’m interested to see where this trip will take me

Paradiso, Lugano, Switzerland- August 2014
Paradiso, Lugano, Switzerland- August 2014