mental health, Reflections

High School Mentality

by Kim5 Comments on High School Mentality

“You’re going to have to get out of that high school mentality at some point”

Someone said this to me recently during a conversation about my present situation. I wasn’t quite sure how to take that comment. Part of me agrees. Part of me knows that I have far more to offer than what I’ve putting into life at the moment. I know that I have all of these skills and talents that could be turned into something to be proud of if I just worked harder. I think of the could-have-beens, the different paths I had planned for my life when I was younger. I see the people I graduated with who are successful in the traditional view of the word.

Then there’s the other part of me. The part that’s incredibly proud of how far I’ve come in the past couple of years and who I’m becoming. Two years ago, I would have never seen myself on the other side. I’ve written about this before on a previous blog, but it’s been a long time. Up until about eighteen months ago, I was suffering from severe depression. Severe in the sense that I couldn’t manage a job or even a couple classes in school because I could barely make it off of the couch on the bad days. I gained a little over eighty pounds, had crying episodes that turned into panic attacks, and felt that my life was generally just over.

I had a moment of clarity in April of 2013 when I finally started seeing a psychologist. There had been several moments in my life, both as a child and as an adult, that I was able to begin working through, and for the first time in years, it was almost as if a fog was beginning to lift from my life. I removed myself from a very emotionally and mentally damaging relationship, but I lost many material things in the process, including a house and more money than I could comprehend at the time. However, the most important thing to me was (and still is) that I was healing. I was becoming a person who could enjoy life again. My time spent in Germany was another way to heal. Since I had pretty much lost everything in the past year, it was a good way to remove myself from everything, get my priorities straight, and in a way hit the reset button on my life. I was able to get some more of my mental clarity back while learning new things and having adventures that will be with me forever.

While I know that from the outside, the life that I’m currently living doesn’t look like the most responsible or put together, it is a vast improvement from the one I was living when nobody knew the internal struggle I was fighting every day. There will come a time when I will have to move on and do something more productive with my life or find a different job to support the writer’s lifestyle that I dream of living daily, but I’m not planning on pressuring myself too much. There are far more important things in life to me than the “American dream” of marriage, a high-paying job with benefits, a house in the suburbs, and 2.5 kids. At this stage in my life, I’m just proud that I have some sort of drive and desire to do anything at all. I believe that depression is something that sticks with a person, even if it just skulks in the shadows. Right now, the fact that I’ve held some sort of job for the past year and have been able to continuously build strong friendships is an overwhelming win for me. There are people to meet, experiences to be had, and places all over the world to see. If that means I’m irresponsible and living a high school life, then that’s some other person’s opinion.

Winged Victory of Samothrace- The Louvre, Paris, France (July 2014)
Winged Victory of Samothrace- The Louvre, Paris, France (July 2014)
Reflections

Past, Present, Future

by Kim1 Comment on Past, Present, Future

I’ve come to the realization that I live far too much in the past. Being nervous about talking to people I went to high school with because we weren’t exactly friends, thinking that an attachment to an ex existed because it always felt like unfinished business between the two of us…I think that’s a major cause for a ton of my mistakes lately.

They say that living too much in the past can be a contributor to depression, just like living too much in the future can enhance any anxiety issues. Living in the present, in the now, is the healthiest way to live. As much as I want to try and do that, I catch myself reverting to the past time and time again.

I have made progress though. It finally hit me this weekend how much I focus on things that have happened in the past without being in the moment and enjoying the good things that have been happening to me lately. This was a polite kind of slap to the face how I need to be more present and do things for myself.

I’ve been lamenting my current life situation and generally just throwing myself a pity party. I’m tired of it. Truthfully, I’ve got it pretty good at the moment. I have no obligations or responsibilities due other people, and all I really have to worry about right now is playing financial catch-up from the past few years. I am literally surrounded by supportive people everywhere I turn, and I feel at peace.

This is a good time. A good season. I can focus and work on things in the now without having to worry too much about how it’ll effect my future. I can learn to live a simpler, more rewarding life. I can continue the mental and emotional growth that started in Germany, even though I really want to be stubborn and insist change needs to happen while living where my heart wants to go. All of this truly is a mindset, at the risk of sounding too cheesy or dippy.

Living in the present is my goal. It’s been my goal for a while, but it needs to be made more of priority. As always, making my goals public force me to actually work on them because it gives me something to prove. Maybe that’s a fault of mine, but at least it gets things done.

Frankfurt, Germany- September 2014
Frankfurt, Germany- September 2014

listening to: Damien Rice

Reflections

Not What I Had Planned

by KimLeave a Comment on Not What I Had Planned

Lately, it feels like my words have just been stuck. I’ve started six posts and just haven’t been able to finish them the way I’d like. Part of me feels a bit out of touch with my thoughts, almost like the words to describe everything that’s gone on the past few weeks have vanished.

This is certainly not the life I had planned for myself. When I graduated high school, I had dreams of being a big time architect with my own business designing gorgeous buildings. In college, my dreams turned to being an art teacher, music teacher, historian, and finally an event and wedding planner. Toward the end of my college career, I even thought that maybe I could successfully run my own jewelry business, going as far as owning my own jewelry shop online.

There were two constant themes in all of these different dreams: to do something creative with my life, and to get out of the town I went to high school in and live somewhere (anywhere) else. Never in a million years did I ever think I’d be back in my hometown, living with my parents at age 25 and working as a server at a restaurant. I’ve had to fully restart my life this past year, and I knew that moments would get hard, but this just wasn’t ever in any of the plans.

There have been some hidden gems in moving back, and for those, I’m incredibly grateful. I’ve been able to strengthen relationships with friends I’ve had for ages, and I’ve gained other friends who are the type you know are just going to be there forever. I’ve also been able to see the true character of other people that I thought I knew, and while being in Tyler longer than a couple of months is still a painful idea for me, I know it’ll be a time that I’ll be able to look back upon fondly if I keep the right mindset.

It’s funny how life just never seems to work out how you’ve planned. I realize this is one of the most cliche sayings anybody can reference, but it’s so true. My life has taken so many strange twists and turns, both incredibly rewarding and terribly painful, but it now has me interested to see what will happen next. I think part of my writing hiatus has been because I’ve just gotten so overwhelmed by everything that’s happened in the past month that my brain can’t process experiences into words. Either that, or I should reevaluate my dream of being a published writer because I just don’t have the discipline to constantly be writing.

So, this is my life in a nutshell at the moment: I’m 25, living with my parents, working as a server, I’m not moving to Alaska after all, and while I still have the grand final goal of traveling for a living, I have no concrete plan of getting that to work anytime in the near future. Here’s to hoping that something good will come out of all of this

Lago di Lugano- Paridiso, Lugano, Switzerland
Lago di Lugano- Paridiso, Lugano, Switzerland- August 2014

Damien Rice

Reflections

Transition Time

by KimLeave a Comment on Transition Time

It’s already been three weeks since I left Germany, and I can’t believe the weeks have gone by so quickly. I’ve been so busy that all of this writing has kinda taken a back seat, but I’m trying to figure out a way to schedule my time better to get all of my thoughts out.

I think that the time period of adjusting back to a way of living you were once accustomed to, but had changed, is a very interesting one. I’ve picked habits and behaviors back up without really being aware of why I’m doing them. The way I eat, sleeping routines, and my attitude all had slight shifts while I was in Germany, and part of me is almost worried that those changes I made will disappear completely if I don’t make a very conscious effort to keep them around.

A little rundown of what all has happened in the past three weeks is probably a good way to continue this post. I find that when I stop writing for a while, the first thing I hit “publish” on can be a little robotic and awkward in the sense that I’m trying to rediscover my voice.

I flew back into the states on October 15. I only spent a little over 12 hours outside of the airport because the next morning, I flew from Texas to New York to see Damien Rice on the end of his American tour for his new album. I’ve never flown anywhere for a concert before, so that by itself was an exciting experience, but the fact that I got to go with one of my closest friends from high school and stay with another friend while we were up there put the trip at an entirely different level. We only spent two nights in the city and flew back to Texas on Saturday morning, but it was a trip I’m not likely to forget anytime soon. Shameless plug: if you want to see some of the photos I took while up there, make sure to be following my Instagram. We did the entire trip very cheaply, because cheap trips are quickly becoming my speciality, so I’ll be trying to break down everything like I did for my Paris trip.

I had one day at home with my parents before my mom and I drove eight hours west on I-20 through Texas to visit her side of the family. It had been almost a year since I had seen all of them, and my grandmother hasn’t been in the best state of health this year, so it was really important to visit while I had some free time. There were multiple choir concerts attended, hugs for days, and even an incident involving my mom and aunt embarrassing me by having me sing an impromptu song at the nursing home for my grandmother. It was a fun trip, and I think what I needed to help with the adjustment process of living in Texas again.

Coming back to Texas meant one major thing: finding a job was the necessary next step. Lucky for me, I have plenty of friends still in the area and two days after spending time with some of those friends, I got hired to be a server at one of the local hibachi restaurants in town. I’ve never worked as a server or really in any sort of food service job, unless you count my first summer job at a snow cone stand, so it’s been an interesting transition into this kind of work. The hours are the complete opposite of what I’ve spent the last 10 months working, but the late nights suit me much better than early mornings. I keep telling myself that there are all sorts of lessons and experiences to be learned from a serving job, so it’ll be interesting to reflect on those once I’ve had a little more exposure in this field.

Cotton fields and wind turbines- West Texas
Cotton fields and wind turbines- West Texas
Reflections

Bis Später

by KimLeave a Comment on Bis Später

Ten days ago, I had to say tschüß to Deustchland.

I’ve never been very good at goodbyes. I tend to get all choked up and teary eyed. While I’ve said goodbye multiple times before during various moves, this was by far the hardest. There’s something about the bond you form with people when you’ve moved to another country and are surrounded by people who have done the same. When you aren’t surrounded by friends and family back home, those new friends become closer than any family that I’ve ever had

However hard all of this has been and will be, I do still believe that it will be worth it. I know there are bigger and better things ahead for me, but I think the key in all of this is just learning to take the chance. In my opinion, life should be all about opportunities…what experiences and lessons you can learn, if you will. Every experience will be a learning one, whether you realize it in the moment or not. Moving to Germany, I knew I would learn a lot, maybe even completely change my outlook on life, but I don’t think I was really mentally prepared for how much would be learned through living in another country. I’ve read all sorts of online articles about the difficulties of returning back home after living the ex-pat lifestyle, but it still didn’t prepare me for the change when I got back

Moving again just means more lessons, more hardship, but also more rewards. I believe every difficulty prepares you for something harder, and every hardship creates character and allows you to learn how to handle more in life. Comfort zones are broken down and you realize just how strong you can be when pushed to do something you previously thought was impossible.

Obviously, I’m still adjusting. I’m still getting used to being around a whole different breed of people again. I’m sure I’ll write about it more later, but the German lifestyle and the Texan one are very much opposites. It’s hard to explain this to people who haven’t traveled or done much outside of their hometown bubble, but I’m sure that even people who have visited another country for a month or so can relate. If I’m honest, I completely prefer Germany over Texas. I feel that the way people live over there is much more in tune with the way I want to live my life. I could go on for ages about the differences, but that’s a whole other topic entirely.

So Germany, it’s not really a final goodbye. I miss you terribly. I’ll see you later.

Zeil, Frankfurt, Germany - July 2014
Zeil, Frankfurt, Germany – July 2014