Knocked Out No Longer

Unexpected Request For Advice

September 22, 2014September 25, 2014by Kim2 Comments

I got an interesting email from a friend the other day, an email I was not expecting to get in this lifetime or any other. She just had one request for me: if I had any tips, songs, or articles to help with the moving on process because she knew I had been through a lot and had “come out better in the end”.

While it’s true that I have been through a lot and I’d love to use my story and experiences to help others, I never imagined that other people would notice and truly be interested in my advice. Along with the book that I’m working on about adoption, I have this pipe dream of helping young girls and women through difficult times they might be facing, especially when it comes to family or relationship-related issues.

I’ve tended to hide out in the shadows and avoid giving advice or opinions. I suppose that’s the shyness and the introvert in me. Sometimes, if it’s a topic I’m really passionate about, I can be a bit bolder and state my thoughts in a small group of people, but that’s always been my limit. I’m wanting to change that. One reason I’ve continued to blog (however infrequently) is that it’s a good starting point to share those thoughts, the history of what I’ve experienced, and the ways I’ve grown. I’ve always been better at sharing the deeper parts of my heart and soul when writing is involved.

I think one of the things I’ve discovered most in this reexamination of my life or reevaluation or whatever you choose to call it, is that having some sort of creative outlet is key. For me, that’s writing and sometimes drawing or painting. For others, that might mean doing something musical, or even just finding a system in your house to make menial chores more efficient. Being creative doesn’t always have to mean being artistic. Writing has been my way of getting my emotions out, whether they be happy, sad, frustrated, or just no longer motivated. One big reason I believe I was in such a deep depression for so long was simply because I was no longer able to get my emotions out. Bottling everything up causes people, or at least me, to implode.

Another important key to any sort of recovery that I’ve really been trying to practice is realizing that things happen for a reason. I read an article a couple days ago that presented the idea that each person in life has a lesson to teach. While a relationship might not have been a good fit, it shouldn’t be viewed as a failure either. Remembering that is so necessary for any type of healing. While you might not have any fond feelings for a person, you can at least know that they somehow impacted your life and you can grow from that impact. My first boyfriend was not a very good choice, but I learned to be a little more cautious before jumping into a relationship. The last relationship I was in, while emotionally draining and quite harmful to my mental health, showed me that I am far stronger than I thought I was and people can heal from even some of the hardest mental battles. It also taught me to trust my instincts more.

Obviously, one person isn’t going to have all the answers. I’m still learning more than I can ever express in words. Most of all, I remind myself every day that there are things to be learned and experience, and in order to grow as a person, I need to search out these lessons. Finding the silver lining, despite the cheesiness of those words, is becoming a habit in my life. If I’m able to do that, I can truly be proud of all that I’ve done and gone through because I’ve successfully made it through to the other side.

listening to: Damien Rice

Relationships

An Exciting Turn of Events

September 19, 2014May 15, 2017by Kim1 Comment

Most of the time, you don’t get many answers to the “what if” question in life. You’re presented with choices, you go down one path, and life continues. Second chances don’t happen that often.

Toward the beginning of the year, I started catching up with an old friend from childhood. This old friend also happened to be my first serious crush, so the reminiscing, while embarrassing, was also very enjoying. Both of us were still very much in the middle of working through some serious issues, and I think just having someone to talk to who you had known for years was a big help.

A new relationship was never part of the plan. I wasn’t ready to start trusting someone again after the mess I had finally gotten out of the past few years. Yes, I was very aware of how attractive of a man he had grown up to be, but developing feelings? I was not prepared for that.

I think before romantic feelings really got involved at all, our friendship grew. Since we had known each other since childhood, I found myself sharing things about my life and what I had been through that I normally wouldn’t share with someone. We skyped every day. We talked about our childhoods, family stories, theoretical issues, etc. We didn’t have to talk about topics that both of us were knowledgable about either, which was nice. I could share ideas and thoughts about things I was interested in, and even if it did bore him dreadfully, he still appreciated my interest in whatever I was talking about.

The romantic part kind of snuck up on me. I could go into further details, but it’s entirely too mushy and emotional for me to talk about without experiencing the “why have I turned into such a lovey dovey girl all of a sudden?” feeling. Any of my close friends will tell you that I’m not much of the romantic type. Chick flicks, romantic novels, and cheesy love songs all give me the heebie jeebies. I realize that those things aren’t necessarily all true definitions or examples of romance, but you catch my drift- I’m not one of those girls. I’m the girl who is friends with a bunch of guys and who would rather sit around talking about beer and playing video games. I’ve even been described as a “dude in a chick’s body” (thanks for that, Caleb). I say all of that to say that this is an entirely new world for me, but I don’t really mind it one bit.

I feel like having to learn to use words to express the entirety of my feelings has really helped keep everything in perspective and helped me reevaluate my thoughts to make sure I’m following down the correct path. Anything long distance has previously seemed too difficult and not worth the effort, but in this case, it’s been the greatest way to build a strong base of trust and communication. It’s been hard, especially since there’s a major lack of skype time since my internet has stopped being so reliable, but the times we do get to talk are even more rewarding and special now.

I’d be lying if I said that visiting Alaska this summer and moving there at the end of the year has nothing to do with him. However, he’s not the only reason I’m making these decisions. I truly believe that moving up there will open up doors for me and is the correct next step for me. However, there’s no denying that being in the same city as him is one of the things I’m most looking forward to in the next year.

listening to: The Civil Wars

Uncategorized

A New Move

September 18, 2014September 25, 2014by Kim2 Comments

12 years, 1 month, and 17 days ago, I made my almost 13 year old self a promise: I would return to Alaska to live one day. I was able to visit the first two summers after I had moved, but the visits were always far too short. I certainly made sure everyone I came in contact with knew of my love for the state.

As I got older, I felt like the dream would never become a reality. I thought about moving up there for college, but the schools didn’t offer what I wanted to study at the time. I researched jobs up there, but didn’t feel like I could make enough to cover living expenses. Something just always seemed to be holding me back. After my trip to Alaska a month ago, I was reminded more than ever of that promise I had made myself as a kid. I hadn’t visited for 10 years, but my memories of my home were as sharp as ever. That’s when I first started planning (really planning) my move back.

One thing I’ve learned in my time in Germany, and really in the past year in general, is to start taking more risks. I’ve started living my life in a bolder way, and I think those actions have had a freeing effect on my attitude. While I’m still aware of responsibilities and the need to think things through instead of acting on every impulse I might have, I’ve stopped dwelling on possible outcomes for so long. I’ve learned to trust my gut a bit more.

December 29 is the moving date. I’ve got a couple of jobs lined up, a place to live with rent less than I ever imagined having to pay, friends that I’m excited to reconnect with more, and a new(ish) man that swiftly became the highlight of every day several months ago (more on that later- I’m still trying to figure out all the best words to start that story).

I know this is the next step I’m supposed to be taking. Things keep falling into place, and I feel at peace. Will I be there forever? Probably not, but while I’m living in the states again, there’s no place I’d rather be.

listening to: Damien Rice

Uncategorized

30 + 75 Days

September 15, 2014September 25, 2014by KimLeave a Comment

I keep meaning to write more, but I feel like something is always getting in my way. I’ve been working extra hours, my internet has been nonexistent in my room for three weeks, excuse, excuse, excuse. In all reality, I haven’t been publishing anything I’ve written because I always want the timing to be just right.

I find myself continuously wanting to hit “publish” when I know my writing will have the most effect. I make sure to share any big life changes or plans with some friends and family before going out and letting the internet know the updates. However, this causes me to constantly worry if I’ve shared with the right people, if I left anyone out, etc.

Many of the changes I make in my life or decisions to see where a certain path may lead often seems to be more of a big deal to the people around me than to me. I simply see my choices and directions as the next step, a building block to my life. Life can happen unexpectedly in so many different ways, and I’ve had to learn from experience that if you have a life plan you try and stick to without any wavering, your days are full of much more stress and worry. I’ve been trying to relinquish some of that control.

Obviously, all of this talk of changes and life plans has to lead somewhere. I’m not just rambling to ramble (even though I’m completely aware that is what most of my writing may sound like)- there is a point to this. In 30 days from today, I’ll be moving back to the states. I feel like my time in Germany is temporarily at an end. As a writer (aspiring or actual- I’ll let others be the judge of that), I want to see character development in my story. I want to see transformations, overcoming obstacles, adventure, and newness. I don’t want to look back at any more of my life and feel like it became stagnant. I’ve already had one of those dark periods in my life already and it was easily the hardest part of my life.

This isn’t a permanent move. It’s not a glamorous move. It’s a move of preparation, of being realistic. There will be a lot of hard work and sacrifice involved, but if I want any adventures to be possible down the road, this is the most logical next step. I’ll be in Texas for 75 days, and then it’s off again to the next chapter…I’ll give you one guess as to where I’m headed next.

Uncategorized

Home Is Where the Heart Is

August 28, 2014by KimLeave a Comment

Last week, I got back from spending twelve days in my happiest of all places: Alaska. I stated before I left that Alaska has a way of getting into your soul, and it couldn’t be more true. I’ve visited three times since moving away, and I feel like every time I’ve left, I’ve also left a bit of me there. I think part of it (for me) is also that being born and adopted there means that there’s still some connection waiting for me there. When you spend your entire life feeling like there’s part of you missing because you know next to nothing about your biological history, there’s a tendency to cling to whatever connection you do know of. For me, that’s Alaska. That’s the hospital I was born in, the apartment my biological mother lived in, the lives that my other family members created for themselves up there. There are unknown places and faces left for me to uncover and just being in the same area code soothes that wondering a bit more.

I digress. These are the thoughts and emotions that are constantly milling around in my mind. Today was meant to be lighthearted- an overview of my time up there.

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I had a list of about ten things and people I wanted to see while I was up there for this visit. Due to some transportation issues, a few of those places I wanted to visit had to be put off until my next visit. I did get to catch up with several more old friends that I originally had anticipated, so that was a nice surprise. However, one of the most exciting days has to be the day that I got to see my old house. I had already gotten to wander around my elementary school where I spent far more time in than necessary thanks to being the daughter of a teacher, so the day had already been completely successful. I have this (not so secret anymore) dream of getting to live in the house I was raised in, so the friend I was with agreed to drive me by the house. We pulled up next to the front yard and sat idling on the side of the street while I pointed out several different parts visible from the outside. We must have looked a little suspicious, because the man who lived there came out to check who we were. I jumped out of the car, explained what we were doing, and soon we were getting invited into the house to look around! This surpassed anything I thought would happen, and I was overjoyed to see that everything was exactly as I remembered. I didn’t make it upstairs to see my old room and the addition that my mom designed because the stairs were torn up due to a remodel, but even seeing part of the house was a dream come true.

While I was there, I also got to catch up with several friends from elementary school and a couple friends from the church I went to in Anchorage. The friend I was staying with took me out to the zoo, which had completely grown and expanded, and we did some outdoor exploration surrounded by views that no camera can truly capture. I caught myself thinking at least twice daily that if I had the opportunity, I would move back there in a heartbeat. There truly is nothing better than getting the chance to live in Alaska.

listening to: The Civil Wars

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